Being told what to do
I can only bear so long with being told what to do.
I absolutely can't stand the feeling of being controlled.
Tell me what you need, I'll figure out myself how to make that happen, thank you.
Oh. But also I absolutely can't estimate the time it will take me. And I will perceive any sort of nudging and reminding as being told what to do, and might blow up.
Say, you want me to make dinner by 4PM. I agree. 4PM comes, I am doing something else. You start asking me what I'm doing , tell me I promised to be cooking dinner at 4PM, tell me to start cooking, etc.
Whereas at that moment, I could be stuck either in ADHD Paralysis or False Dependency Chain. In my mind, I am cooking dinner. Though I am fixing the cats' house and paying the student loan bill at this moment, it's because it needs to be done so that I could cook dinner!
Or if I am doing nothing at all, it's on the outside, whereas on the inside the task at hand is all I am thinking of. Being told to do what you are preparing and mustering up the energy to do yourself is very hard to bear.
The compromise I'm figuring out is as follows:
- You tell me what you want (the result, not what you want me to do or how I should do it).
- We agree on a time
- Crucial: develop a Plan B and tell me what you'll do if I don't start by that time. Whatever you do must work out for you. Imagine me being unable to do whatever I promised because I fell off a bike, what would you do? Decide now, and tell me. (Example: if you don't start cooking by 3:30PM, I'll go out and have dinner by myself).
- When the time comes, either observe that I'm starting as promised, or notify me that you are initiating Plan B ("It's 3:25PM, I'm leaving in 5 minutes").
Sounds crazy? It is. But the thing is:
- It works
- It provides a rigid structure for me: knowing what happens if I postpone the task provides the rigid structure within which I can operate
- It doesn't involve telling me what to do, or any control. Either I do it, or Plan B activates – either way, there are no surprises, and you are not left stranding.