Meditation vs introspection

I used to say I get a lot of value from meditating because it helps me introspect and think. That puzzled some people, for whom meditating is about something else. Now I distinguish between two modes: introspection, and "true" meditation which I'll call zazen.

This has to do with how you're "supposed" to meditate, like the misconception that you need to achieve a blank mind. Even longtime Zen masters can have heads full of chatter some days, it's more about what you do with that chatter, than about not having any.

And it's recommended in Soto Zen to detach your sense of self from that chatter, let go of the need to follow your thoughts to their conclusion. Take the position of someone watching leaves in the wind. Like leaves in autumn, more thoughts and feelings are always appearing, and they're just as quickly gone again with the wind. You wouldn't get up and run after a specific leaf to see where it's going.

It's important to accept each and every one as they pass by – with a nonverbal "Yes, that's a thought I had. Yes, that's something I felt," otherwise they tend to stick around and exert an invisible power over you.

When I introspect, it's similar to meditating. I take on the same basic attitude towards thoughts. I'll even sit in my usual spot as if to meditate, but more likely in a seiza position (because it's easy for me without prep), and I use no timer. Finally, I target a question or a topic for my thoughts to centre on. The difference from zazen is subtle, but I can encourage my thoughts to go a general direction without being so committed to the outcome that it chokes my creativity. ([2023-04-03 Mon]: actually, this looks similar to Focusing)

But why?

It turns out that when I do this, I think about all sorts of things that had been sitting buried in the far back of my mind, sometimes years or decades old. I remember about things that I should do, and why. I become aware of how I'm spending my day, how I've spent my week, and how I'd prefer to use my lifetime on Earth. I'm aware that other people exist and that I exist, and how my behavior looks to them. If I made a mistake recently, it's only in this state that I may come to a realization about it.

It's a lot easier to think productively when you detach your self from your trains of thought, so that you aren't scared of what they will tell you or of the pain they may evoke.

And shockingly, coming up with solutions doesn't take any active effort – it turns out my subconscious already knows how to solve most problems, it's just been waiting to tell me about it.

And for those solutions it doesn't already know, it's still effortless, because from my conscious perspective all I do is ask the question and wait. After a while of silence, like magic, out of nowhere I start having thoughts that wind up being productive tangents, and then I loop back to the question and have my answer. It's creepy, my brain can do logical reasoning without any captain at the steering wheel.

It may be #ADHD, but I sometimes feel that I spend months not thinking about anything properly, and it's only when I sit down to introspect that I finally think for real.

Unfortunately if it's been a long time I can be scared off doing it, because there'll be a lot of crap coming to the surface. It's like letting the laundry pile up.

I've developed a list called Stuff to meditate on. It's like a todo-list, some items are recurring because I want to introspect on them regularly, and some items are once-offs, questions that may have arisen during a conversation.

I need to introspect regularly, my life does not work without it.

It's funny that when I do proper zazen alone, I may not feel like spending more than one 20-minute session, but when introspecting I can get so absorbed, that I am the problem, I am the solutions, and have no body, and I can sit there for hours without any need to get up. I believe they call it the state of dhiana. Could be an instance of the ADHD hyperfocus working to my benefit: high-five for retard superpowers.

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Created (2 years ago)