Gendlin's Focusing

At first you might hit a blank and become impatient, because after all, you think you know. “I’m fine, except for my bad feeling, as usual, about my main relationship, and that other worry.” But this is answering your question yourself. The body doesn’t answer that quickly. It takes about thirty seconds.

Surely you would be willing to accord your body thirty seconds? And yet, oddly, most people never do.

Look at your watch and see how long thirty seconds are. This will make you aware of their surprisingly lengthy span. Take thirty seconds. Try it now […]

[…] someone is afraid of feelings, you might say:

“Feelings and actions aren’t the same thing. You can let yourself feel whatever you do feel. Then you can still decide what you choose to do.

“It’s OK to need. Trying not to have a need that you do in fact have makes a lot of trouble. Even if you can’t get it, don’t fight needing it.

Often, we feel so much wrong that we come to accept those bad feelings as the basic state of things. But it is not. The bad feeling is the body knowing and pushing toward what good would be.

Every bad feeling is potential energy toward a more right way of being if you give it space to move toward its rightness.

The very existence of bad feelings within you is evidence that your body knows what is wrong and what is right. It must know what it would be like to feel perfect, or it could not evoke a sense of wrong.

It is better to say, “I’m mad,” than to say angry things and let your anger be seen indirectly. Saying your feeling directly lets it be shared.

If the first words that come to you feel hard to say, don’t fight with yourself. Wait a few moments and let another string of words form. Do this till you get words that feel OK to say. Don’t give up whatever needs expressing.

We often work desperately on the surface of what we feel, or how we’ve just reacted, trying to fix it or make it be something else. But it is easy to let the real feeling speak directly.

Examples:

• “That hurts my feelings.”
• “I’m hurt that you’re angry.”
• “That makes me feel pushed away.”
• “I feel outmaneuvered.”
• “I’m stuck.”

If you find it painful to be honest, realize that other people don’t care how good or wise or beautiful you are. Only you care all that much. It is not harmful to the other person if you look stupid or imperfect.

What is true is already so. Owning up to it doesn’t make it worse. Not being open about it doesn’t make it go away. And because it’s true, it is what is there to be interacted with. Anything untrue isn’t there to be lived. People can stand what is true, for they are already enduring it.

You can even get very troubled people to talk about (or do) something they happen to be competent in—for example, sewing or music. This helps them feel OK for a while and lets you respond to a competent person —respond positively and for good reason.

It is often after such times, after having been able to just be with you, that a person might feel like taking you into some areas that are disturbing.

If the person talks a lot about strange material you can’t understand and then says one or two things that make sense, stick with those and repeat them many times. They are your point of contact. It is all right to keep returning to these phrases, with silence or other topics in between, for as long as an hour.

If the person says things that can’t be true, respond to the feeling rather than to the distorted facts or untruths. For example, “The Martians took everything I had away from me. . . .” You can get the feeling here. Say, “Somebody took what was yours?”

Let’s say a man asks you for something you can’t give. You may have to refuse the request itself, but you can tell him you’re glad he’s in touch with what he needs. Tell him you’re glad he felt free to ask. This is especially so if the need is in the direction of life and growth for the person, if for the first time he can allow himself to want or ask for closeness or time with you.

You can go from this into what she did and what she is like and why she did it. Or you can go into what you are like and how it upsets you. Don’t do the first. Leave that to the other person. Do the second: move from the bit of interaction into your own feelings. See why it affected you and share this.

It is hard for people to hear you say what’s wrong with them. It is easy to listen to you saying what’s wrong with you, or what is at any rate vulnerable or upsettable or shaky in you. Avoid making comments that start, “I feel that you. . . .” You’re invading the other’s territory and protecting yours.

Sharing what is happening in you makes the interaction more open and personal. The other person can then feel comfortable about sharing inner things with you.

Don’t say: “I have to express my feelings. Can I trust you with it? I feel you bully me.”

Do say: “I get angry and upset when I can’t get to finish what I started to say. I lose track. I get insecure about whether I have any real ideas.” It is essential to be specific in expressing yourself. Avoid generalities. It is still a rebuke to a person to be told he or she made you upset. It is not real sharing when you share only a generality. But if you share some of the specifics actually going on in you—your unique felt sense of the situation—you share yourself. You can find these specifics by focusing at that moment.

When you are being pushed too far, call a halt, set a limit. Do this before you blow up or get mad. Protect the other person from what happens when you don’t take care of your needs. Say what you want or don’t want, while you still have the time and concern to stay and hear what it means to the other person.

For example: “I like it that I’m helpful when you call me up, but now it’s happening too often. So instead of feeling good about it, like I used to, I feel pushed. I’d like to feel good about your calling. If I knew you’d call only twice a week, I know I’d like it again.” You are not trying to get rid of the person

If you are sitting with a silent person, say something like, “I’ll just sit here and keep you company.” Relax. Show that you can maintain yourself on your own without needing to be dealt with

Once in a while, someone shy will want to say something difficult and will ask an individual in the group to listen. It looks odd. I remember Susan standing up at a meeting and saying, “Um . . . Joe, will you listen to me so I can get this out?” Joe nods. She says something and Joe says back the crux of it. She continues and so does Joe. In this way she gets her thoughts said and heard, before anyone else in the group can interrupt or argue […]

• Absolute listening
  • the reasons to speak:
    • Sharing that you understand. Use your own phrasing to re-express what you think they meant to say, so they can correct you
    • Asking for clarification
  • Do not mix in your own ideas. Reuse their words for the touchy main thing at hand.
  • How to know you did it right: they either find more inside themselves: "No, it's not like that—uh—it's more like—", or they relax, like they let go of tension.
    • Don't disturb this peace by speaking

Focusing is not only for serious introspection once in a blue moon – it is useful almost as a state of being.

Like fresh air after being in a stuffy room.

1. Clear a space. Each thing that troubles you—don't go into it—just recognize it, and put it aside.
2. Felt sense. Pick a thing. Without going into it, let a whole felt sense form.
3. Handle. Put a word to the felt sense.
4. Resonate. Is the word right? Once the fit is just right, enjoy for a minute.
5. Ask, unless you already got the answer, "what/why this felt sense?"
6. Receive

• My ADHD signs and symptoms
• Unlocking what the subconscious knows
• 2023-09-12
• Portal: Relationships
• Always-good advice
• My wetware
• Nonfiction I've read
• Internal Double Crux
• Portal: On my mind
• How to make good conversation while sure you have the correct answer
• Meditation vs introspection
• The most useful knowledge