Portal: Relationships


The problem of forgetting

  • Keeping a readable diary
    • Noting when you try something new
    • Noting when a conflict happens
      • When a conflict-like thing has happened, you rarely understand it that well in the moment, and this can give you a writer's block or ugh field, so a tip is to just start describing mechanistically what happened, saving interpretations for later.
    • Noting when your partner starts a new project, so you can ask them about it later
  • Keeping a history of check-ins/tea dates/kickoffs/planned Serious Talks and what we said and agreed on (History of tea dates)
  • Keeping a history of lessons learned (Lessons learned with G)
  • Keeping a history of what your partner has said they need
  • Keeping a list of things you've appreciated about your partner at one point or another (Things about G I like/respect/endorse)
  • Keeping a list of commitments (Commitments Martin)
  • Keeping track of what your partner has planned or is planning – maybe pen her plans into your own calendar. (Related to "Living through the other")

Emotional responsibility

Emotional resources

As I understand it, the term "emotional resources" can involve:

  • Having friends who help you process
  • Asking people for help
  • Looking up online advice
  • Asking for advice on a subreddit
  • Using exercises from books
  • Using writing prompts
  • Using an N-step template for e.g. conflict resolution
  • Knowing you have material such as How to listen, Debate scripts, Checklist for situation
    • Thinking of it at the right time
  • Psychotherapies
  • Book: Focusing

Commitments, agreements

  • Clarifying your expectations
  • Keeping track of new things I try – like when I restrict Safari on the phone to 30 minutes. Make a note in the diary that I did so. Treat the diary as not just a place for braindumps but something you can share with your therapist.
    • (think of it this way: making your notes more utilizable for your therapist also makes them more so for you.)
    • This helps me look back and tell G what I've done
    • Standard followup: scheduled on calendar after 1 week and 1 month.
      • This could be an iOS shortcut.
      • Or if not an iOS shortcut, could I just transmit calendar events thru Beorg? I suspect that if it's not to feel stilted – if I'm to get over that hump and start calendaring more and more things thru Org, so that Beorg feels more and more like a natural extension of me – then I should sync my entire roam folder onto my phone. I'm a bit uncomfortable with that. But that would be the natural way: so that I can spawn a subheading in literally any of my files, titled "Review this", and not think about finding the specific file.
        • But it's true that todo lists don't really work for me and this will not change that. So I would only use it for reminders that don't attach much of a todo, or timeful reminders. I suppose instead of a todo.org I could have a reminders.org.
      • Ideally (again, from the perspective of a psychologist), I write something in my diary to say how I thought it went, and link back to the original diary entry when I began, if there is one.
        • (I note that this would be more automatic if I in fact made an org subheading in the original file scheduling a review a week in the future – then my notification/agenda will link me directly there, so I don't have to remember it exists to be referred to)
  • Commitments Martin
  • Agreements

Situation management

Intentional bonding🔗


  • Remembering about the other / Living through the other
    • so you'll realize they will need this or that, and they don't need to watch for all roadbumps themselves because you help out on that
    • Leave someone better than you found them
    • Innermost circle of concern to envelop the other / "Selfless Dating"
    • Each partner needs to maintain their sense of self
  • Understanding the other
    • Level 2 theory of mind (where did I read about this?, maybe a comment from the Simulacrum levels discussions?)
    • Other stuff under Rationality:Interpersonal
    • Bridge a mismatch of communication style
      • Communication cultures
      • That I try to disprove everything I hear can feel like I want to disprove everything you say, and if so it's my bad, it's just how I develop an understanding of things
  • Love-oriented life approach, the way Bell Hooks talks about it
  • Managing a long-distance relationship
  • Joint documents – like Griselda & Martin's shared pages
  • Always-good advice
  • Good relationships aren't built on combining two halves, but two wholes.
  • Reflect on the perspective I have of relationships, as a result of my place in society
  • Self-advocate

What links here

Created (15 months ago)