You can even get very troubled people to talk about (or do) something they happen to be competent in—for example, sewing or music. This helps them feel OK for a while and lets you respond to a competent person —respond positively and for good reason.
It is often after such times, after having been able to just be with you, that a person might feel like taking you into some areas that are disturbing.
If the person talks a lot about strange material you can’t understand and then says one or two things that make sense, stick with those and repeat them many times. They are your point of contact. It is all right to keep returning to these phrases, with silence or other topics in between, for as long as an hour.
If the person says things that can’t be true, respond to the feeling rather than to the distorted facts or untruths. For example, “The Martians took everything I had away from me. . . .” You can get the feeling here. Say, “Somebody took what was yours?”
Let’s say a man asks you for something you can’t give. You may have to refuse the request itself, but you can tell him you’re glad he’s in touch with what he needs. Tell him you’re glad he felt free to ask. This is especially so if the need is in the direction of life and growth for the person, if for the first time he can allow himself to want or ask for closeness or time with you.
You can go from this into what she did and what she is like and why she did it. Or you can go into what you are like and how it upsets you.
Don’t do the first. Leave that to the other person. Do the second: move from the bit of interaction into your own feelings. See why it affected you and share this.
It is hard for people to hear you say what’s wrong with them. It is easy to listen to you saying what’s wrong with you, or what is at any rate vulnerable or upsettable or shaky in you. Avoid making comments that start, “I feel that you. . . .” You’re invading the other’s territory and protecting yours.
Sharing what is happening in you makes the interaction more open and personal. The other person can then feel comfortable about sharing inner things with you.
Don’t say: “I have to express my feelings. Can I trust you with it? I feel you bully me.”
Do say: “I get angry and upset when I can’t get to finish what I started to say. I lose track. I get insecure about whether I have any real ideas.” It is essential to be specific in expressing yourself. Avoid generalities. It is still a rebuke to a person to be told he or she made you upset. It is not real sharing when you share only a generality. But if you share some of the specifics actually going on in you—your unique felt sense of the situation—you share yourself. You can find these specifics by focusing at that moment.
When you are being pushed too far, call a halt, set a limit. Do this before you blow up or get mad. Protect the other person from what happens when you don’t take care of your needs. Say what you want or don’t want, while you still have the time and concern to stay and hear what it means to the other person.
For example: “I like it that I’m helpful when you call me up, but now it’s happening too often. So instead of feeling good about it, like I used to, I feel pushed. I’d like to feel good about your calling. If I knew you’d call only twice a week, I know I’d like it again.”
You are not trying to get rid of the person
If you are sitting with a silent person, say something like, “I’ll just sit here and keep you company.” Relax. Show that you can maintain yourself on your own without needing to be dealt with
Once in a while, someone shy will want to say something difficult and will ask an individual in the group to listen. It looks odd. I remember Susan standing up at a meeting and saying, “Um . . . Joe, will you listen to me so I can get this out?” Joe nods. She says something and Joe says back the crux of it. She continues and so does Joe. In this way she gets her thoughts said and heard, before anyone else in the group can interrupt or argue […]